writing

[timepiececlock]

I'm all weired out about my fic.

I mean, I adore that so many people had a positive response, but my personal reaction to it is just strange.

Usually when I write something, I read it over obsessively. Once I put it up somewhere, I like the novelty of going back over my own work as it is in that setting-- and the feeling of "Hey, my fic is up somewhere, and people are reading it." And the fics that I especially liked are ones I've reread often; if someone gives a very specific review I'll often reread in an effort to connect their review to specific elements of my writing, if I can.

But I haven't reread this entire fic even once. I reread sentences as I wrote them, even paragraphs, but once I had the pargraph done I moved onto the next, and then when I was finished I just put it directly up.

Since then, I've reread small portions specifically mentioned in comments, but I haven't gone over the whole fic, short though it is. Essentially, I've only read the completed work as it was being done.

I don't know why. Am I nervous because it was sex fic, and this was my first time writing that? But, half the fic I read is NC17 rated. So it's not outright squickiness. Maybe I'm squeamish because I'm the one who wrote it this time?

I dunno. But I'm torn... on the one had I wait anxiously for more peer response. On the other I want to forget I ever wrote it and never read it. Especially the graphic parts. I think I'm afraid that they suck, and everyone's just being overly nice to me, but you really all think that I'm such a total virgin and have no concept of sex--- and I'm afraid to go back and check to see that it doesn't suck, for fear that it will, so I end up clinging to your words and avoidihg the fic itself.

Except the end, after the smut. I've reread the last paragraphs a few times and I like those.

... I think I'm strange. Also, I'm one of those hypocrites who understands the value of criticism, but deep in my demon/otaku/fangirl/writer heart of hearts can't bear to hear it. I'd rather fix it all on my own.

It's why I tried having a fic beta-read once, and even though the lady who helped was a doll, I hated the experience so much that I didn't even read the second person's beta-response, and buried the fic entirely. That's one complete Spuffy thing that will never see the light of the web. I liked that fic when I finished it, but after one beta-read I was all "OMG it sucks sucks sucks!" and hid it away... then decided the process was too stressful, and to just edit stuff myself. I'm insecure; it's a flaw.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/automatedalice_/]

rashaka, i loved your smut. (& it's hard for me to write feedback. it's more difficult than writing, because i want to be as profound as what i've just read, but somehow can't be.) it's always wonderful when someone can do something fabulous without getting into tab A into slot B territory. and you did it. yay!

i LOVE this phras. "...told her she was the sun and came when she squeezed."

[circe-tigana.livejournal.com]

I think you should let me read your Spuffy. You're obviously not of sound mind and cannot make the call yourself :)

[thenyxie.livejournal.com]

I so feel your pain. I always think people are just being nice... unless they really go OFF about something I've written. Then I know for sure that they liked it but then the other doubt kicks in: They probably have no concept of what makes a good writer. It's amazing the lengths our minds will go to to convince ourselves we suck.

And yet, somehow, getting NO feedback is even worse. *sigh* We are strange creatures, we humans. I think all writers must go through this. I'm hopeful that it's a confidence building stage.

I did love your fic, btw. I wouldn't have commented if I didn't :)