![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
timepiececlockI'm all weired out about my fic.
I mean, I adore that so many people had a positive response, but my personal reaction to it is just strange.
Usually when I write something, I read it over obsessively. Once I put it up somewhere, I like the novelty of going back over my own work as it is in that setting-- and the feeling of "Hey, my fic is up somewhere, and people are reading it." And the fics that I especially liked are ones I've reread often; if someone gives a very specific review I'll often reread in an effort to connect their review to specific elements of my writing, if I can.
But I haven't reread this entire fic even once. I reread sentences as I wrote them, even paragraphs, but once I had the pargraph done I moved onto the next, and then when I was finished I just put it directly up.
Since then, I've reread small portions specifically mentioned in comments, but I haven't gone over the whole fic, short though it is. Essentially, I've only read the completed work as it was being done.
I don't know why. Am I nervous because it was sex fic, and this was my first time writing that? But, half the fic I read is NC17 rated. So it's not outright squickiness. Maybe I'm squeamish because I'm the one who wrote it this time?
I dunno. But I'm torn... on the one had I wait anxiously for more peer response. On the other I want to forget I ever wrote it and never read it. Especially the graphic parts. I think I'm afraid that they suck, and everyone's just being overly nice to me, but you really all think that I'm such a total virgin and have no concept of sex--- and I'm afraid to go back and check to see that it doesn't suck, for fear that it will, so I end up clinging to your words and avoidihg the fic itself.
Except the end, after the smut. I've reread the last paragraphs a few times and I like those.
... I think I'm strange. Also, I'm one of those hypocrites who understands the value of criticism, but deep in my demon/otaku/fangirl/writer heart of hearts can't bear to hear it. I'd rather fix it all on my own.
It's why I tried having a fic beta-read once, and even though the lady who helped was a doll, I hated the experience so much that I didn't even read the second person's beta-response, and buried the fic entirely. That's one complete Spuffy thing that will never see the light of the web. I liked that fic when I finished it, but after one beta-read I was all "OMG it sucks sucks sucks!" and hid it away... then decided the process was too stressful, and to just edit stuff myself. I'm insecure; it's a flaw.
I mean, I adore that so many people had a positive response, but my personal reaction to it is just strange.
Usually when I write something, I read it over obsessively. Once I put it up somewhere, I like the novelty of going back over my own work as it is in that setting-- and the feeling of "Hey, my fic is up somewhere, and people are reading it." And the fics that I especially liked are ones I've reread often; if someone gives a very specific review I'll often reread in an effort to connect their review to specific elements of my writing, if I can.
But I haven't reread this entire fic even once. I reread sentences as I wrote them, even paragraphs, but once I had the pargraph done I moved onto the next, and then when I was finished I just put it directly up.
Since then, I've reread small portions specifically mentioned in comments, but I haven't gone over the whole fic, short though it is. Essentially, I've only read the completed work as it was being done.
I don't know why. Am I nervous because it was sex fic, and this was my first time writing that? But, half the fic I read is NC17 rated. So it's not outright squickiness. Maybe I'm squeamish because I'm the one who wrote it this time?
I dunno. But I'm torn... on the one had I wait anxiously for more peer response. On the other I want to forget I ever wrote it and never read it. Especially the graphic parts. I think I'm afraid that they suck, and everyone's just being overly nice to me, but you really all think that I'm such a total virgin and have no concept of sex--- and I'm afraid to go back and check to see that it doesn't suck, for fear that it will, so I end up clinging to your words and avoidihg the fic itself.
Except the end, after the smut. I've reread the last paragraphs a few times and I like those.
... I think I'm strange. Also, I'm one of those hypocrites who understands the value of criticism, but deep in my demon/otaku/fangirl/writer heart of hearts can't bear to hear it. I'd rather fix it all on my own.
It's why I tried having a fic beta-read once, and even though the lady who helped was a doll, I hated the experience so much that I didn't even read the second person's beta-response, and buried the fic entirely. That's one complete Spuffy thing that will never see the light of the web. I liked that fic when I finished it, but after one beta-read I was all "OMG it sucks sucks sucks!" and hid it away... then decided the process was too stressful, and to just edit stuff myself. I'm insecure; it's a flaw.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-03-20 07:18 pm (UTC)i LOVE this phras. "...told her she was the sun and came when she squeezed."
no subject
Date: 2003-03-20 09:52 pm (UTC)it's always wonderful when someone can do something fabulous without getting into tab A into slot B territory.
I think we might fall into similar thinking on that vein: "If I pack the sentence with enough abstract imagery, I won't have to mention it going in and out, in and out all the time." Though you're better at abract imagery that I am; Half Gifts is like a lesson in how to write in fractured streatm of consciousness, and kick ass while doing so.
i LOVE this phras. "...told her she was the sun and came when she squeezed."
::giggle:: I worried over that for a good while. I wanted to say soemthing other than "squeeze", but I couldn't think of any one or two words that fit. I kept coming up with long descriptions, but that mucked up the short power punch of the sentence. So I went with my original "squeeze" and made myself stop worrying. ^-^
no subject
Date: 2003-03-20 08:43 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-03-20 08:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-20 08:53 pm (UTC)I'm going, already :)
Do you want constructive crit or a love in (since I'm sure I'll love them!)
no subject
Date: 2003-03-20 09:13 pm (UTC)My first BTVS fic was horrible. The writing/narrative didn't suck in and of itself, as it reflected my writing skills at the time, but the plot and characters... just total suckage. I'd just started watching at season six, and hadn't seen FFL reruns, and didn't know anything about Spike but wrote him anyway... 5 months later I went back, looked at in horror, and immediatley pulled it down for the utter crap that it was.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-21 08:12 am (UTC)And yet, somehow, getting NO feedback is even worse. *sigh* We are strange creatures, we humans. I think all writers must go through this. I'm hopeful that it's a confidence building stage.
I did love your fic, btw. I wouldn't have commented if I didn't :)
Re:
Date: 2003-03-21 09:45 am (UTC)Tell me about it. And since most of us are not professional writers, we have no way of validating our fear or knowing definitively (via book selling), if we suck or don't. It's all in our heads.
And yet, somehow, getting NO feedback is even worse. *sigh* We are strange creatures, we humans.
Gahhhh, I know. For reasons I haven't figured out yet, typically get little response when I put up fiction on the Crumbling Walls board, when other people who do chapter fics get like ten or fifteen responses. It's become a weird tick in my posting, because I get responses from everywhere but there. I linked this fic up yesterday morning, and still no one's commented. I'm kind of used to it, but also nervous about it.