Fanfiction, Beta-readers, and My Brain
Apr. 1st, 2006 02:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
timepiececlock::Rashaka sits in a psychologist's chair::
Pscyhologist: Tell me what you're feeling.
Rashaka: Fear. Abject fear.
Pscyhologist: Fear of what?
Rashaka: The beta-read edited version of my fic sitting in my documents folder.
Pscyhologist: Why does that scare you?
Rashaka: Because it's scary?
Pscyhologist: Have you looked at all of it?
Rashaka: No, just the beginning, and the very end.
Pscyhologist: Then how do you know there's anything to be scared of?
Rashaka: I have an attempt at flowery introspective sex for about a thousand words three-quarters down, followed by pointlessly fluffy discussion. A beta-reader looked at that. I'm terrified.
Pscyhologist: What exactly are you afraid of?
Rashaka: That it will suck. Or that everything I liked the beta reader will hate, and then I won't want to change it but if I don't change it because I think it's good the way it is, I'll feel like I gave in, like I didn't do my best, like I knowingly chose to keep something sucky. My ego can't take knowingly choosing something sucky.
Pscyhologist: So do the changes.
Rashaka: But I don't want to do those either! I want to ignore them! I should never have agreed to this! Even just looking at that many marks has me quaking in my purple slippers!
Pscyhologist: Stephen King's book said all first drafts suck and that editors will save you every time.
Rashaka: Stephen King doesn't know shit!
Pscyhologist: You adore Stephen King.
Rashaka: You don't know what you're talking about!
Pscyhologist: No, you don't know what you're talking about, which is why you're on the sofa and I'm not.
Rashaka: **breaks down** I suck don't I? I can't take this kind of stress! Fanfiction should not be stressfull!
Pscyhologist: She said she went deliberately soft on you.
Rashaka: I'm weak and easily wounded!
Pscyhologist: It's just a fanfiction.
Rashaka: No, you don't get it, it's me. It's impossible for me to separate myself from my work! I can't do it!
Pscyhologist: It'll be fine.
Rashaka: I wrote 1000 words of introspective angsty SEX, and now I have to read the beta comments on that! Do you know how scary that thought is?
Pscyhologist: It's just light smutfic; you read stronger stuff all the time. And what do you care? It's not based on personal experience.
Rashaka: I just do!
Pscyhologist: You're secretly a prude, that's the problem.
Rashaka: I'm not a prude! I'm easily wounded!
Pscyhologist: Coward.
Rashaka: Yes, yes I am.
Pscyhologist: Look at it tomorrow. Go to sleep and don't think about it.
Rashaka: It'll still be scary tomorrow.
Pscyhologist: And you'll still have an irrational phobia of beta-readers tomorrow, but at least you'll have sleep.
Rashaka: Okay.
EDIT: I think I'll pretend it's a school essay and the beta is my TA. Yeah, that might work.
Pscyhologist: Tell me what you're feeling.
Rashaka: Fear. Abject fear.
Pscyhologist: Fear of what?
Rashaka: The beta-read edited version of my fic sitting in my documents folder.
Pscyhologist: Why does that scare you?
Rashaka: Because it's scary?
Pscyhologist: Have you looked at all of it?
Rashaka: No, just the beginning, and the very end.
Pscyhologist: Then how do you know there's anything to be scared of?
Rashaka: I have an attempt at flowery introspective sex for about a thousand words three-quarters down, followed by pointlessly fluffy discussion. A beta-reader looked at that. I'm terrified.
Pscyhologist: What exactly are you afraid of?
Rashaka: That it will suck. Or that everything I liked the beta reader will hate, and then I won't want to change it but if I don't change it because I think it's good the way it is, I'll feel like I gave in, like I didn't do my best, like I knowingly chose to keep something sucky. My ego can't take knowingly choosing something sucky.
Pscyhologist: So do the changes.
Rashaka: But I don't want to do those either! I want to ignore them! I should never have agreed to this! Even just looking at that many marks has me quaking in my purple slippers!
Pscyhologist: Stephen King's book said all first drafts suck and that editors will save you every time.
Rashaka: Stephen King doesn't know shit!
Pscyhologist: You adore Stephen King.
Rashaka: You don't know what you're talking about!
Pscyhologist: No, you don't know what you're talking about, which is why you're on the sofa and I'm not.
Rashaka: **breaks down** I suck don't I? I can't take this kind of stress! Fanfiction should not be stressfull!
Pscyhologist: She said she went deliberately soft on you.
Rashaka: I'm weak and easily wounded!
Pscyhologist: It's just a fanfiction.
Rashaka: No, you don't get it, it's me. It's impossible for me to separate myself from my work! I can't do it!
Pscyhologist: It'll be fine.
Rashaka: I wrote 1000 words of introspective angsty SEX, and now I have to read the beta comments on that! Do you know how scary that thought is?
Pscyhologist: It's just light smutfic; you read stronger stuff all the time. And what do you care? It's not based on personal experience.
Rashaka: I just do!
Pscyhologist: You're secretly a prude, that's the problem.
Rashaka: I'm not a prude! I'm easily wounded!
Pscyhologist: Coward.
Rashaka: Yes, yes I am.
Pscyhologist: Look at it tomorrow. Go to sleep and don't think about it.
Rashaka: It'll still be scary tomorrow.
Pscyhologist: And you'll still have an irrational phobia of beta-readers tomorrow, but at least you'll have sleep.
Rashaka: Okay.
EDIT: I think I'll pretend it's a school essay and the beta is my TA. Yeah, that might work.
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-01 11:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-01 06:32 pm (UTC)My self-confidence plummetted to zero and I never even posted the fanfic on the internet. I think it's still sitting on my harddrive somewhere.
I'd thought I'd give it a try, that maybe I've grown up since then, but it turns out my fears are still there, 100%.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-02 02:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-01 09:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-01 10:50 pm (UTC)Don't let my neuroses get to you too. This is all in my head. I should have warned you I had a phobia.
It turns out I won't be able to look at the fic today at work because the place is all noisy with renovations and stuff. And tonight I'm going down to San Diego. So I'll either look at it Sunday afternoon or sometime this week. Maybe giving myself a few days to get my courage up and distance myself from my first draft will have a nice balancing effect on my brain.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-01 10:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-01 10:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-01 11:00 pm (UTC)Almost as if lacking in reason, even.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-02 12:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-03 08:45 am (UTC)Anyway, here's a trick that may help - just see writing as sword-smithing. See yourself and your beta-reader/s as smiths just honing away at that fic(sword) until it's as sharp as it could be.
(just someone who wants more Avatarfic lemons around)
(goes try to get Adultff.net to work again)