Been thinking about fic, and..
Jan. 27th, 2003 08:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
timepiececlockI hate the construction of this sentence:
The vampire the Slayer's troop had rushed into that horrid room to rescue hung directly above them.
It's too, too... something. Am I taking too long to get to the action verb (hung)? Is it too many perpositional phrases? WHAT?
I hate it. But I've tried it six or seven ways and I still can't make it sound good.
Could any of the LJ writer people (or for that matter anyone else) save my mind here and tell me how to make this sentence sound better? Rearrange it, cut it to pieces, whatever... I just hate it as it is and don't know how to fix it.
The vampire the Slayer's troop had rushed into that horrid room to rescue hung directly above them.
It's too, too... something. Am I taking too long to get to the action verb (hung)? Is it too many perpositional phrases? WHAT?
I hate it. But I've tried it six or seven ways and I still can't make it sound good.
Could any of the LJ writer people (or for that matter anyone else) save my mind here and tell me how to make this sentence sound better? Rearrange it, cut it to pieces, whatever... I just hate it as it is and don't know how to fix it.
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Re: Just my take
Date: 2003-01-27 11:37 pm (UTC)The vampire, the reason they had rushed into that awful room, hung above them
Obviously I don't know the context of the sentence but that's just an idea.