Been thinking about fic, and..

[timepiececlock]

I hate the construction of this sentence:

The vampire the Slayer's troop had rushed into that horrid room to rescue hung directly above them.

It's too, too... something. Am I taking too long to get to the action verb (hung)? Is it too many perpositional phrases? WHAT?

I hate it. But I've tried it six or seven ways and I still can't make it sound good.

Could any of the LJ writer people (or for that matter anyone else) save my mind here and tell me how to make this sentence sound better? Rearrange it, cut it to pieces, whatever... I just hate it as it is and don't know how to fix it.

Comments

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

The vampire the Slayer's troop had rushed into that horrid room to rescue hung directly above them.

Well, you've got several options. But no matter what you do, it needs to be expanded a bit.

Look, I suck at explaining myself. Let me give an example. If I was going to re-write it, it would be a little more like...

They smelled the blood before they made it through the door. Rushed into the horrid room, eyes straining in the dim light. Blood lay everwhere, splatters and spray concealing what looked like older, more chilling stains.

The creak of chains led their eyes upward, where Spike hung, arms stretched beyond their normal limits, his face a mask of blood.

Now, ignore the specifics (I don't know if your vamp was tortured, etc.) The important thing to notice is the descriptive flavor. The smell, which tells the reader what might be inside the room, what it's used for, the sound of the chains creaking that completes the mental picture of the motion inherent in the scene, the sensation of what it's like to be hung by one's arms, etc. In other words, 'show, don't tell'.

Re:

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

ah, specifics! Actually, I already handled the entering into the room portion previously, I just need to expand this line, which described that what they'd been looking for was actually hanging above them. But good point about the smell--- that's one lesson I admit I frequently forget. Use all five senses.

THank you for your suggestions. :)