Been thinking about fic, and..

[timepiececlock]

I hate the construction of this sentence:

The vampire the Slayer's troop had rushed into that horrid room to rescue hung directly above them.

It's too, too... something. Am I taking too long to get to the action verb (hung)? Is it too many perpositional phrases? WHAT?

I hate it. But I've tried it six or seven ways and I still can't make it sound good.

Could any of the LJ writer people (or for that matter anyone else) save my mind here and tell me how to make this sentence sound better? Rearrange it, cut it to pieces, whatever... I just hate it as it is and don't know how to fix it.

Comments

Re:

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

oh. Is that a typically used contraction, or just internet short-hand slang?

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

In the art community, it's a commonly-used term.

Re:

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

ah, ok. Thanks.